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Post by karencostatarver on Jan 28, 2019 2:24:43 GMT
I lost my husband on dec 15th 2018. He decided to deal with his depression his own way and took his own life on my youngest daughters 7th birthday. We had known each other for 13 years and were only married 18 months. He was my best friend in the world. He restored my faith in love and marriage after having been abandoned by my 7yr olds biological father when he left me pregnant. Not only did he devastate my children but has left me traumatically scarred. The night he took his life I was in the room with him when he shot himself. I cry every day. Even things as small and seemingly insignificant to some such as putting gas in my car can bring me to my knees with tears because he always used to pump the gas. Or laying bed reading a book, he was the first man I had ever known that liked to read same as me. I go to work and come home. I have to make myself keep going for the simple fact I have 4 children that need me. His family blames me for his suicide but they dont take into consideration my kids and how much this has changed their lives. Or how much it is going to change my 7 yr old when she gets a little older and realized he died on her birthday. Every day she comes to me and tells me she misses her daddy. The night he died I felt part of my soul die with him. How do I accept this. I blame myself for not doing something to prevent him from killing himself. But at the same time I'm grateful I'm alive. He had texted me that night and told me he hoped i died. Then told me he hoped he died first. I was at first afraid he was going to kill me but when he pulled the trigger and i was still standing i was so shocked i couldn't move. How do I forgive myself for not stopping him...
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Post by tearstainedcheeks on May 6, 2019 2:54:05 GMT
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Post by tearstainedcheeks on May 6, 2019 3:02:55 GMT
Karen,
I’m so so sorry for your loss and I’m so sorry it has to happen the way that it did. I just lost my fiancé a few weeks ago on my birthday April 7th 2019. Reading your post really allowed me for the first to understand that the ways that I feel are normal. I also feel like a piece of me died that same day. I haven’t been able to even return to work yet. I can barely do anything....can barely take care of myself or my child, let alone going back into work and explaining what happened and reliving the entire moments all over again. I watched him die in front of my eyes in our gone. I also performed CPR on him and was unsuccessful so I understand your guilt because I live everyday knowing that I could not save him and it hurts more than anything in the world besides not having him anymore. I feel so alone.....so alone. I’m so miserable, I hate my life be and it will never be the same. I’m only 26 and now I feel like the rest of my life is over. I don’t feel like I can ever find happiness again. I will forever be a cold, numb rock because of this. Not that I’m even interested but I don’t know how I could ever even think about finding love again because I would just feel too guilty. We were planing a child together (my 2nd and his first). We were actively trying so hard to get pregnant and I had missed my period and was a month late when he passed and just recently it came. It broke me. I was begging God to save him and then when he was gone I begged God a 2nd time to allow me the gift of having his child so that I could forever have a piece of him with me but that didn’t happen either. I’m just so lost and broken and alone. I don’t even know how to begin to pick up the pieces to move on. I’m so sorry that happened to you and your children. I do not know all the details of your situation but I do know that you did not pull the trigger so don’t blame yourself. Even if you had tried to stop the situation you very likely may have been unsuccessful anyway and the same outcome may have occurred so again do not beat yourself up over your loss. I will pray for you and your children’s healing. I can’t imagine being left with 4 children and having to take care of them all during a loss like that.
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